I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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