Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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