Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
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You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
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We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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