Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
