I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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