pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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