Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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