Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
