Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Actions speak louder than pants.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
