Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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