I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
