Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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