Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
