he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
