Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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