I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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