Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
