when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
