You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
