So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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