You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
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I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
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Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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