Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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