Cold hands, warm shart.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
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You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
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Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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