Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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