The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
