I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
