it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
