I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
either way he was missing a nipple.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
