Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
