and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
