i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
