The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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