I just threw up on my dentist
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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