Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
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Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
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Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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