Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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