Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
