I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
