I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
