Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
