Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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