woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
