i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
