Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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