i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
