I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
