My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
