I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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