Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
