He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Randomize
