If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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