You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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